How I Won My Husband Back in The Darkest of Times
Do you ever get the feeling that your marriage is slipping away from you? Like all of the sudden, you realize your once dedicated and happy relationship somehow took a turn for the worse?
You're in a funk like you've never experienced before, and when you watched those latest episodes of Blackish, you can't help but cry your eyes out because what they go through in their marriage...that's you.
How did we get here? What am I doing wrong?
Now that you are here, what do you do before it's too late? Before one of you jumps off the edge that love cliff you've slowly been inching towards over the years.
These questions consume your mind like cancer, and while you see those sneaky little disrespectful and unloving gestures you have towards one another, you have somehow given up doing anything about it.
You used to think, 'I need to work on that.' Now, you don't even bother because getting through the day without an argument or a snarky remark is a thing of the past.
It's your new normal.
One day, you realize that you've let laziness get the better of your relationship, and you're both at a place where you're not sure where to go or what to do next.
I've been there. Worst of all, it lasted about two years.
Thankfully, my husband and I had one thing going for us. No matter what, we've got this crazy passion for one another that keeps us alive. We are so in love, but often, we struggled to keep that passion under control when it got angry.
Why being in love isn't enough.
I am SO in love with my crazy, European, stubborn, hunk of a man, but boy can he drive me NUTS! I know I am just as stubborn. He would tell you I'm more stubborn, but I highly doubt an American can be more stubborn than a German - it's just science.
So yeah, we are both stubborn which makes for some pretty interesting "discussions," but we've got the love! Why wasn't that enough?
In every relationship, you have your strengths and your weaknesses. For us, we had the drive, commitment, passion, and LOVE, but we lacked communication - which caused arguments frequently and persistently. Some of you have great communication, which benefits your understanding, mutual respect, and lack of arguments; yet you seem to be missing passion.
Those of you who have it all, just go away. No one wants you here.
Just kidding. But really. You're exhausting.
What I'm saying is we ALL have something to work on in our relationships, so don't be discouraged if this is you.
I was there once, fighting and wondering when the love was going to outweigh the desire not to want to be around my husband.
For us, we had a few hard things that happened in our life, and because of our lack of good communication, our marriage suffered. Believe you me, I'm super good at communicating now. I can tell you exactly what you SHOULDN'T say to your spouse. I even wrote an article about it!
In fact, I've learned SO MUCH those crazy awful two years of my marriage, that I wanted to pass along my infinite wisdom - because guess what...we came out of it! Praise God! And honestly, it was only because of God that we did. If you invite God into your relationship, I can tell you this much - you'll have much more of a fighting chance.
Now that I've gotten completely off topic, let's get back to why love isn't enough.
If love were enough, I believe there would be a lot of people still married that aren't today.
"All you need is love?" I'm sorry, John Lennon and Paul McCartney, I don't agree.
Why? Um, off the top of my head, I'm pretty sure that commitment is needed. What happens when $*** hits the fan? Or what about grace - when $*** hits the fan? I believe a little respect and understanding should be thrown in there as well, right?
What I'm saying is, you can love someone, but at the same time have an awful relationship. I did at one point. So yeah, sure, all you need is love, but it probably won't be the most fulfilling or happiest of relationships.
Let me get to the crux of the matter.
If we really loved one another the way these verses speak of love, then we would be all set. Love really would be all we needed. But what has love morphed into these days? A self-fulfilling cesspool of needs needing to be met, and if they're not...screw you! I'm leaving!
But, if we go back to what love really is? Maybe, just maybe we could get somewhere. In fact, that's what I did. I said enough is enough. I said, "God, please don't let me give up!" Then, I got down from my high horse and pulled myself up by my bootstraps. I was ready to take this thing head on because that crazy, stubborn hunk of a German is worth it to me.
First, ask yourself, is it worth it?
That's what you have to ask yourself - if your marriage worth it to you. Do you think you'll be better off without your husband? If you're like me, then you realize you can't live with him, and you can't live without him - so why not live with him, but also have it be wonderful? For me, I had to try at least.
Here's what I did...because, after everything, we did start to lose one another. Our circumstances and selfishness got the better of us. What we thought would never happen to us, did. But guess what? I am living proof that it's NEVER too late to turn things around.
5 Things I did to win my man back
1. I stopped trying to control him.
I have control issues. Here's a whole other article I wrote on the matter. It's hard work NOT to be controlling, but it isn't as hard as trying to control everything!
It took me awhile to get there, so make sure you check out my "Don't Eff This One Up," ritual I perform before communicating something difficult. For me, trying to control everything, including how we communicate, never got me anywhere.
2. I grew personally and spiritually.
Growing personally looks different for everyone, but for me, it meant doubling down in humility and facing my issues head-on. I struggled and still sometimes struggle with my self-esteem and insecurity. That's not easy for me to admit, but because I did something about it, I can now not only admit to it but deal with it.
Working through my own issues helped me so much that I wrote an ebook about it called Beautiful Me! I want to share with the world how freeing and beneficial it can be to grow personally. Not only do you will you benefit from it, but your relationships will flourish. If we aren't happy or content with ourselves, how can we be there for our family or friends?
If discovering your self-esteem is something that might interest you then check out my book Beautiful Me, and start changing your life.
So yeah, that was my biggest hurdle to overcome...my self-worth, self-esteem, self-love, whatever they call it these days. But like I said, growing personally/spiritually looks different for everyone, so whatever you have to do to look inside, self-reflect, and make sure you're doing your part - do that!
3. I started to discover what makes my husband tick.
A man loves it when you can give him these things. Just two things. With a billion other sub-things. Sub categories or ideas of ways you can be the wife you want to be. Trust me; you will want to read that list. It basically sums up what a guy wants. It's not easy, but if you're going to do your part, then it's best to start there.
How awesome would it be if your husband got some list that was full of all of the things you would love for him to do. Wouldn't you appreciate him taking the time and effort to want to fulfill those desires you have? It's important to be humble for this one. I had to let a lot of things go that I needed, to see clearly as to what he needed.
In return, he started meeting my needs as well. It's the ever so popular love and respect cycle from which every couple will benefit.
4. I realized that respecting my husband was more important than anything else.
Respect comes in many forms, and every guy feels respected differently. Just like you want love, he wants respect. In my opinion, this doesn't mean what most people think it means - making him a scotch, giving him a foot massage, and letting him fall asleep to his favorite T.V. show on the couch - although, that might be a nice gesture. No, I'm not talking about the Mad Men type of respect, but rather the "I admire and look up to who you are," kind of respect.
But what if you don't respect your husband? Well, I believe you have a choice, because respect sometimes is, like love, a choice.
Maybe in your marriage, there have been times when love and respect for one another came easy; mainly because your actions were driven by the first initial infatuation with one another. But when that infatuation and admiration dies down, what do we do? We start loving and respecting one another less. We start blame shifting, excusing our behavior because our partner isn't meeting our needs.
So is it possible to start CHOOSING to love, and choosing to respect?
Yes, it is a choice to respect your husband. Here are some great way to do so. Just like he has a choice to show you, love. LOVE IS A CHOICE AND SO IS RESPECT!
There, I said it.
5. Last but not least - I gave him grace.
Ugh. Grace. It's so so very hard to give someone grace, especially if they have broken your trust. I have realized that trying to be like Jesus doesn't come easily or naturally. Grace is possibly the hardest gift to give in a relationship.
Not only will portraying grace to your spouse show him your desire to work through ANYTHING in your relationship, it will give you an amazing freedom in your own personal life. It goes hand in hand with letting go of control - you might start discovering what peace and joy actually feel like.
When we give someone grace we basically give them the greatest form of love. It's saying, "yeah, what you did hurt me, but I love you anyway." Now that's love.