Do you ever get the feeling that your marriage is slipping away from you? Like all of the sudden, you realize your once dedicated and happy relationship somehow took a turn for the worse?
It's mostly women who grow steadily unfulfilled when they sense something becoming redundant. I couldn't quite put my finger on why that is until I realized something. Women love to be pursued.
What child doesn't want to hear that they are a hero or a princess and see it for themselves on the written pages.
It's important to identify what you're trying to control in your life and learn how to work through it; otherwise, those problems will begin to control you.
I came up with a list of common things that are said in relationships that could be transformed into a useful tool of communication. You see, it's good to express how you feel and say what you need to say, but it's how we say it that often leaves us in the gutter. Communication, as you know, is key to having a thriving and well-balanced relationship.
When I was young, my mother always made an effort for us to be sitting down around the table together by six o clock. Most memories I have from when I was a kid are that from the dinner table. We would share how our day went, talk about how life was going, and just unwind from a crazy day. Sure, it wasn't always perfect, but it was a common space, a neutral place for us all to gather and share about our lives. I am so grateful for this example my mom made happen in my younger years. It has taught me to also make an effort in my family to keep the tradition alive, even if it takes an extra effort on my part.
Why are family meals so important?
As humans we associate specific memories with taste, smell, touch and all of the five senses. Food is something that ignites those senses and makes a basis to which memories are centered around. When those memories are good ones, you can bet that when the smell or the name of a meal comes up from your past, you are immediately taken back to that memory, and caused to think about and reminisce on. So, how perfect is it to create an environment around food that is positive and encouraging for your family at a mealtime together that will stick with them for their entire lives? Unfortunately, this can go both ways. If those meal times are spent fighting, then it could possibly become a relation to negative memories. All the more reason to make the moments special and positive for everyone involved.
How to plan ahead and set yourself up for success
Life is busy, crazy and complicated. You know that. You experience it every day. So how is it you're supposed to make time to prepare a meal, set the table, and coerce everyone else into coming and sitting down at a specific time? My best advice is to make a plan. A meal plan in particular.
Make a meal plan for the whole week, and shop accordingly.
It will save you so much time and effort to prepare beforehand. It will also encourage you to not skip out on making a meal, knowing you will possibly be throwing food away what isn't utilized. Keep it simple and whole, as to not stress yourself out.
Make yummy food that everyone will want to eat
Be intentional about your questions at the dinner table
Don't ask rhetorical questions like "Did you have a good day?" but rather, "What happened today that was funny?" or interesting, or scary. How are they treating other kids? How are other kids treating them? Show genuine interest in their day's with asking questions that lead to more than a yes or no.
Make your kids help with setting the table, cooking, or cleaning up
My little guy loves to cook with me. It not only gives us something to experience together, but also helps him with his motor skills, learning how to cut veggies in a safe environment, and preparing him to take care of himself someday. Wouldn't it be great not to have to worry about your son eating nothing more than ramen every day in college?
Having your kids help with chores and cleaning up, will enable them to succeed in something while also learning that they aren't entitled. It will teach them discipline, responsibility and awareness that life isn't always easy. We live in a society that is continually moving towards self-gratification instantaneously. We are moving away from taking time to make healthy and whole meals, towards shortcuts which leads to processed foods, and unhealthy choices.
Don't expect perfection
I know it's hard when expectations aren't met, but it's important to have grace for yourself and your family in these moments as well. Life happens, and just because you don't get to sit down every single day to a meal together, doesn't mean you are a bad mom, or that your family is falling apart. Some days we are just so tired (usually Friday nights) that we end up baking a frozen pizza and watching a documentary together while eating off of our coffee table. These memories are some of the best ones I have! So cut yourself, and everyone else some slack if things don't go according to plan every single time. That's also a part of creating a good environment when it comes to family time. You don't want your kids to get the impression that they need to please mom, and that's the only point of family meals. You want it to be something they want as well.
Did you also know that most men, when they walk out the door to go to work, in their deepest of fears, hope that no one will ever find out what a failure they are. Go ahead, ask your husband.
How to make your kids feel more loved - 5 easy and amazing tips
Are you looking for ways to connect with your children? Read and discover how to meet your kids where they are.
I have always been so hard on myself as a mother. It's good in a way because I know that I won't ever let myself settle for what my child deserves. It's hard at times because I lay awake some nights, wishing I had reacted differently, and then obsess about how guilty I feel. Holding yourself accountable is good. Not forgiving yourself is bad. We all make mistakes, and the more we can admit to ourselves and our children that we are in fact not perfect, the better.
Modeling perfection is the worst thing we could do as parents.
I have said this many times, and I will keep on saying it. God doesn't hold you or I or anyone to a standard of perfection, so neither should you. If you start having this mindset, you will start having more grace from yourself, your children, your spouse, or that old neighbor lady who gives you just one look and causes you to start judging yourself. Remembering that others, as well as yourself, will make mistakes and we are all falling short of perfection.
Now I'll get to the tips on how being more human and imperfect can actually help your child feel more loved. These are my personal opinions on matters of childrearing, but it doesn't mean I'm always right! Figure out what is best for you and your children. These are just some ideas on what I have experienced as a mother, and ways I have seen my son change in behavior if I really figure out what is going on in his heart.
1. First things first, admit you were wrong or that you made a mistake and ask for forgiveness.
For some reason, this comes pretty easy to me when it comes to my child, but when admitting I'm wrong to my husband, however; No way. Back to that quote. How can I expect to show my child that God loves him in spite of his mistakes if I can't even admit that I make mistakes? It is so important that your child sees you aren't perfect. It will make them feel understood, loved, and want to model your example of admission of wrong and asking for forgiveness.
In my opinion, asking forgiveness is just as crucial as saying you're sorry. It guides them to take action on their part as well and forgive. If we don't teach them how to forgive, then we aren't doing our job in preparing them not to hold grudges, which in turn will hinder them in all kinds of ways. You want them to also admit their own wrongs in their life, not only to you but their friends, their teachers, and down the road their future spouses.
2. From the moment they are born, listen to their hearts.
What do I mean when I say listen to their hearts? I mean, do your absolute best to in making sure they know you are listening to them not only with your ears but with your responses. It's so easy to go off to Never Mommy Land and start drifting into your happy cloud (that glass of wine you get to have later while watching This is Us) as your child is telling you for the hundredth time that he knows what ten times ten is. Again, give yourself grace if you screw up, but if you have to, admit you were wrong and apologize.
My son knows when I'm not listening and his response is always, "Mommy, you don't care what I'm saying!" It breaks my heart, and I snap back into the reality that he just wants my love, attention, and for me to be proud of the fact that he does, in fact, know how to do the math. Here are few tips within my tips on how to understand their spongey little hearts.
- Acknowledge that they are talking by engaging in the conversation and not asking rhetorical questions.
- Even if their interests don't interest you, it doesn't mean you get a pass to disengage.
- Ask them how they feel, whether they are having a good day, or if they need anything from you. Just show that you care.
- If they don't feel like talking, don't force them, but bring it up again later, when they are up for sharing.
- Don't only engage with them on things you want to talk about, or with questions that you ask. Look for those precious moments when they start talking and sharing with you all on there own and treat it like it's the greatest treasure in the world.
- Pray for them and see if they want to pray as well. There is nothing more special than our prayer times before bed or before heading to school.
- Ask them what is going on in their hearts. Start referring to their feelings as their hearts. "What does your heart feel right now?" or "Is your heart having a hard time obeying?" When they associate their feelings with they're hearts, they can begin to understand to start protecting their heart's by not letting it become bitter or holding onto things that will ultimately scar them.
- Teach them to forgive, even if it isn't asked for. I will never forget the moment I picked my son up from school, and he told me what he had learned that day. He said, "I learned today that if someone hurts you, then it leaves a mark on your heart. If you don't get the mark off by forgiving even if they don't ask for it, it will just keep hurting you." My heart exploded. What a great thing to understand about forgiveness. It was a moment when I needed to apply that to my own life as well.
- Make sure they know just how much God loves them, by modeling His love for them. They are at an age where they don't quite understand the concept of love. They need you to guide them and show them what love is. Be so very careful with this privilege. It is so easy for your children to associate your love with God's love. So, if it's not good, then their relationship with God will be affected. All you have to do is love God yourself and make sure they know it while letting them come to you and open up to you about their relationship with God. Forcing them to talk about God will only push them away. Ultimately it has to be their decision to want to have a relationship with Him in the first place. If they don't, then that's their decision to make. But when they are little ones, you have the upper hand in showing them that a relationship with God isn't a burden, but a blessing. Don't make them feel like it's a chore or something they have to do.
3. Make being home for them feel safe, peaceful and fun.
This one is probably the hardest for me, and that's also very hard to admit. It's hard because life happens. I get busy, so I put off one on one play time. I get in arguments with my husband, and that most likely doesn't feel peaceful to them. I put cleaning the house before engaging with my son. That's definitely no fun for them. I go through seasons of depression which ultimately affects my son negatively. You name it. Life gets in the way of making him feel safe, peaceful, and cared for. Again, have grace for yourself and tomorrow is always another day to do better. I guess I should make this a tip in what not to do when it comes to my success rate on this one, but I'm learning. I now know that the more I work on a healthy relationship with my husband, and taking care of myself, the more I can be there for my son. So how does that work?
- Make it safe - Avoid arguments in front of your children. I know, that's hard to do, but do your best. My son has told me before that it makes him have a bad day if I have a bad day. You can't always avoid bad days, but also do your best to separate the two. If need be, have someone watch your kiddos that day and take time for yourself. Also, don't feel guilty if you have them watch movies during that time if there is no one to watch them.
- Make it peaceful - If you have an addiction, a depression problem, are abusive, or are in an abusive relationship, then get help! Your problems WILL become your kid's problems, and they will start thinking that they need to fix your problems. Don't be selfish. I had to learn this the hard way. I struggle with depression, and the moment I realized it was affecting my family in a very negative way, was the moment I got a counselor and the help I needed. I woke up to this when my son started consoling me as I was crying my eyes out. NOT the responsibility of a 5-year-old. I'm not talking about a bad day now and then, but if it becomes a way of life, then that's where something needs to change. Whatever you're going through, you aren't alone, and there is always someone willing to help. Feel free to contact me if you need to, and I can set you up with the right resources.
- Make it fun - I want to do my very best in making my son feel like he can have fun at home as well as out and about. Plan different activities for the week. Go to a movie, go to the park, or on a nature walk. Play dates are good. Build something together, like a fort. Make little movies on your phone. Have a movie and popcorn night. When it comes to running errands with your kids, be creative and let them pick out a treat at the grocery store, or have a reward waiting when they get home if they can be patient. Make them apart of your life in a good way. Just remember, part of life is learning to wait, which means your kids need to learn this as well. I've always found that if I spend quality time with my son before getting my stuff done, it shows him that I put him first.
4. Put God first, husband second, and kids third
There are so many people who put their kids first, but it all goes back to what I wrote in "Making it peaceful." Let's just admit it. If your relationships with God and your husband aren't at the right place, then your kids will suffer. You won't be able to concentrate on them because you will be more engaged with how mad you are in your husband. Believe me; I've been there. Ultimately they will feel more loved when they know that you and your spouse are okay, so putting this before your kids is better for them. Also, nurturing your relationship with God will ultimately help you, which will, in turn, help them.
5. Last but not least, discipline them.
Oh boy, I hate this one, but it is so necessary. I'm the softy in the family, so it's hard for me to see my son struggle. I want him just to be happy. But sometimes making them "happy" isn't always the best. Your kids have no idea what is right and wrong. They need direction. If you don't give them direction and run wild on choice, they will end up ruling the roost. If you give them no choice at all, they will grow up and possibly resent you. Let's have a balance, shall we? I have erred on the side of choice too often, and it has now has me in a difficult position. My son knows how to manipulate me, but when it comes to my husband, no way. It's frustrating because I've noticed that when my husband asks him to do something, he does it, most of the time. If I do, it's like asking a gorilla to attend my tea party. The surprising thing is, he adores my husband! What!? When you discipline your kids, it doesn't make they will hate you? No, it makes them respect and obey you, which will ultimately make life just better all around for everyone. What discipline looks like is up to you, as long as it's not abuse. Knowing your kid well will help you understand what method works best. For us, it's taking away privileges like video games, screen time, a special toy or CANDY!