A little glimpse into my life as an assassin.
Every morning, I subconsciously make this choice that defines how the rest of my day will go. I ask myself, "‘Either you can ignore how tired and physically depleted you are, or you can give into it and completely fall apart.’
Some days I feel as though I have more control over this decision than other days, but all in all, after having my second baby at 30 years old, I am toast. I’m still trying to figure out if the reason is having a baby at 30, or because I now have two kids. Still don’ t know. But at the end of the day, does is really matter? It’s my reality. It might be yours as well.
Do you ever feel like your life resembles those stuffed animal claw grabber machines, placed at the most inconvenient places, like on your way out of the grocery store? I don’t remember what they are called, but they suck, mostly because every single child will ask to use it, and every single child who does, comes up empty handed. It's quite cruel, in fact.
Anyway, I feel like my body is that machine, the coins are God, food, and maybe a little yoga and spinning. The claw is my energy that comes from the coins, and all of the little stuffed animals are the people in my life. I just start to grasp how to get ahold of everything, and then I fail. It’s as though the claw has no strength at all. Go figure. And every day is another child using the machine and getting completely disappointed. Rinse and repeat.
Most of you can understand this, especially those of you who are introverts, which is why we have to choose where we put our energy wisely. We can’t just put a sign on our back, “open for love!” like all of you extroverts. Not gonna happen.
Here’s a perfect example of that.
I was at the gym the other day, minding my own business at spin class. You see, I’m one of those women who LOVES to mind her own business while at the gym. If someone does get past my resting b face and tattoos, they have it coming to them. I am cordial, but I will make stuff up to keep them from pursuing any sort of meaningless conversation that usually amounts to them complaining about their children - which I just don’t do. So, there I was, warming up before class started, rubbing my neck muscles to keep my carpal tunnel from flaring up, and of course. - sitting next to me is the chatterbox from the new, “New Year Resolution” member joiners, who will probably quit working out after a month due to her knee caps giving out.
She started engaging me in conversation, even though I had my headphones in. Yeah. I turned to her, smiled, and said, “yes,” not having the slightest clue as to what she said. This should have been her first hint that I was there to get in and out with the least amount of human interaction possible.
Along with being an introvert, I find it completely acceptable that my human interaction requirements for one day, be filled with seeing other people when I am out and about. That’s it, just seeing them is enough for me.
After subtly giving this woman the hint that I wasn’t up for chit chat, she just kept going. So I had no choice.
She said, “oh is your neck bothering you, too?”
Apart from this being none of her business, mostly because I have no idea who she is, I decided to respond in a way that would make her afraid of me. Very afraid. Was it right of me to do? No. But how often do you do things you shouldn’t do? Yeah, you have something in your eye, and it’s called a log.
So, here is the horrible thing I did. After she so rudely implanted herself into my insignificant life, which is what Americans are really good at, (and mostly not because they care) I responded to her with a resounding, “oh yeah, my shoulder hurts from my part time assassin job. Those snipers can be brutal on your neck.”
That’s it. I ended it there, and just kept spinning. That did the job. She didn’t talk to me the entire class after nervously giggling to avoid awkwardness, and most definitely because she was afraid. Not by the fact that I was an assassin according to our conversation, but most likely because in her mind, I was a nut job. And that’s exactly what I wanted the resolution to be. To be seen as an unapproachable nut job. Was it Christ like? Most definitely not. Which is why I’m going to go into my “good advice” based upon how I screw up on a daily basis.
Here is my encouragement to those of you who don’t feel as though they can go another day, or to those of you who make up stories just so you don’t have to talk to people.
I get it. You’re not alone. And if there is one thing we should address from all of that, is this. I was being a selfish jerk. Okay, maybe something else as well.
We are all under some kind of stress, probably even the lady who wasn’t minding her own business. In that moment, I wasn’t acknowledging that this woman was probably trying to be nice and make a friend, even though my shoulder pain was none of her business. Did I mention it was none of her business?
Accepting this one thing could change your life.
Lesson # 1 - Everyone is going through some kind of sadness/pain/stress.
If you take a moment to realize this everyday, it will help you to see that you aren’t being picked on by God, He is not mad at you, or punishing you. Every one of us is in the same boat. Obviously the things we struggle with are different, and range from not being able to zip up our pants anymore, to not being able to afford food to feed our family’s. Life is hard, messy, and just when you think you’ve conquered that mountain of stress before you, another one miraculously appears. It’s called life. And the sooner you can accept that LIFE IS HARD, the better. There it is. The acceptance that life is hard will help you go on with your day, and stop complaining.
One of the worst things you can do for your mind, is dwell on your future fantasy island called,“when my problems are gone.” It just won’t happen.
So next time you feel like the world, God and all of His angels are against you, remember this.
“The LORD is near the brokenhearted and saves those you are crushed in spirit.”
Man, I love that verse. Not only because it reminds me that I’m not alone, but because God, the creator of me and everything in it, cares about what I’m going through. On top of that, he cares that my struggles produce growth and fruit in my life. When we experience trouble in the hard, unfair life, it’s important to make sure it goes to good use. Don’t let your struggles turn your heart to bitterness - let your struggles soften your heart to just how much we need God.
This leads me to my next lesson, which we will talk about in my next blog post, Gratitude Leads to Happiness.
Anyway, tell me your thoughts. And just so we are clear, I am absolutely aware that lying to that woman was wrong, and NOT OKAY. What do you think?