By popular belief, affairs, lying, emotional abuse, or financial problems are among the top reasons why people get divorced. But there is one underlying factor that society is quick to disregard. Find out why marriages fail, what the main reasons are, and what you can do to prevent it.
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There is great controversy among Christians surrounding the verses about wives submitting to their husbands, as well as great misunderstanding about what healthy masculinity looks like. And while I will do my best to answer the why and the how when it comes to what healthy spiritual leadership looks like, I want to first make it clear that just because someone is the “leader” of the home, does not make them better, more valuable, or more loved by God.
It can feel very discouraging when you don't know your own value or self-worth. Life suddenly becomes a burden, and in all reality, you aren't quite sure how you got there or why. Once you realize your own worth, it will not only allow you to stop looking inward and being self-focused, it will free your mind to accomplish more than you ever thought possible.
Here are some practical ways you can get something or someone off your mind. Negative thoughts about something or someone can do a lot more harm than you might think. Everything starts in our minds—from our physical health to our well being and happiness. So, as you might currently know, a thought you can't shake about something or someone is just as frustrating as getting sick—if not worse.
What is contentment?
It's a beautiful thing. It's what everyone desires, and it seems we will do whatever it takes to get it. Contentment - to be free from care because of satisfaction with what is already one's own. It is inward satisfaction; a habit or permanent state of mind.
Contentment is a habit of choice.
Our lives are abundant in choices. We make honest ones and dishonest ones. Smart choices and stupid choices. Most of them are based on feelings, and in my experience, those are usually the ones that end in disaster. Sometimes we are at points in our lives where we have no idea what we should do.
Our next breath is another moment we have no choice but to trust that God is in control. My mom said to me the other day, "If we knew what our future would bring, we couldn't handle it." Imagine if in your future you saw you would die in a few years by getting burned alive.
What would that do to your present? Would it make you fearful or at peace? Would it grow you or hinder you? We obviously wouldn't be able to understand it. We would constantly be living in fear, questioning and begging God for a different outcome.
What's funny, is we still do this, even though we don't know our future. We beg for a different circumstance. For God to take away the pain and the hardship, thinking this will bring contentment to our lives. When he doesn't, we start compensating for our unfulfilled desires with money, success, hobbies, distractions of all kinds.
The more we desire, the more we become unfulfilled, because, in reality, we're trying to fill a void that cannot be filled with things. So how can start to be content habitually?
Contentment is choosing to be satisfied with your current state no matter what. It is NOT satisfaction or complacency in circumstances, experiences or things.
Let me ask you this. Have you ever had a positive experience, been through a good circumstance, bought that thing you've always wanted, that left you saying,
"I am finally content?"
Seriously think about it. Are you to this day content because of this particular happenstance? Probably not. I find myself having thoughts like, 'When I am in a better circumstance, I will be better off.' It's a typical human reaction to something that we are going through that is not easy.
So what is our solution, if we as humans can never reach a feeling of contentment?
Contentment is NOT a feeling.
Can you honestly trust your feelings? I know I will be unpopular in saying this, but our feelings are fallible! They are not to be trusted. How many times have you screwed up because you "felt" a certain way? I can say, from personal circumstances that I have done this many times.
As a woman, my feelings are the first to be acknowledged in my mind. I even think men do this as well, but they explain away their feelings, disguising them as logic. Nope. Pretty much the same thing. Men feel, A LOT, they just don't tell you about it.
Our feelings are unable to be controlled. If we feel something, it's not because we decided to feel that way, but it's just apart of us. It's not bad, it's actually wonderful. I love my feelings! Not necessarily the bad ones, but still, it makes me who I am.
It's very important, though, to put feelings in a category where they belong. Before they bring us to make decisions, they first need to be filtered. How? Through prayer.
The only times I have "succeeded" in resolving a fight with my husband, is when I paused, told him I needed some space, and left to go pray. What happened? My feelings subsided, and I was then able to think logically. So, I have just debunked feelings as a state of contentment. How? Feelings are not to be trusted. Even though you feel as though you aren't content, doesn't mean that it is true.
Why contentment is a choice.
Have you heard the statement, love is a choice, not a feeling? If you have, you may agree with it, or not. I am coming from an angle of definitely agreeing with it.
What do you think the number one reasons people are divorced? Google it. It all has to do with circumstances, unmet expectations, and feelings. Infidelity, abuse, money, jealousy, no longer in love. As there are valid reasons for divorce, I don't think "I just don't love you anymore" should be one of them. Here's what love is.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 New International Version (NIV)
"4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
How weird would it be if, at a wedding, these verses were read aloud by someone, then at the end, the person reading said, "But only if you feel it!"
I believe that the feeling of love should be the result of a choice to love, not the other way around. When you feel love for someone, it's different than choosing to love them.
It's the same thing when it comes to something like contentment. Just because you don't feel content, doesn't mean you can't choose to be content. It's taking action, instead of reacting to a feeling.
How am I to be content, then?
I think we first need to realize that in and of ourselves, we cannot be content. It's impossible. Sorry to burst your bubble, but look and your life and ask yourself,
"Was I ever content?"
If you are or were, I would love to hear your side of it! But for me, the only reason I have ever been content is the result of one source. In the verse posted above, I believe the last sentence about covers it.
Trust God. Trust that because he loves you, he will give you the strength you need to overcome your difficult circumstances. He is our source of strength. Your failing marriage, the death of a child, diagnosis of cancer, getting sexually assaulted, abused, etc.
How do we trust him? Start with gratitude. Gratitude. Be thankful, no matter the circumstance. Your thinking will start to change. In any and every circumstance, whether good or bad, be thankful. It's so easy, right!? Nope. It's hard.
You see, people think contentment comes easy. They think it should come from their circumstances. If I do A, then I will get B. If I just had more money, then I would be okay. If I had a more satisfying job or a better marriage, blah blah blah. Stop expecting and start thanking.
One important thing to know is that no human is perfect. It is simply impossible to hold yourself to a standard to always feel contentment or choose to be content. It will stress you out and probably lead to depression and anxiety. Strive for gratitude and everything will flow from that.
That's all I have to say on that. Here's where I'm at in all of this, and let me tell you what. I don't "feel" content with my life, but I shouldn't let that determine my choices.
Today is a day where I am not sure what my next steps will be in life. I cannot sift through my feelings because every single feeling I have is in exact contradiction with itself. Twenty different emojis couldn't even possibly suffice to describe them. So, I have no other choice, but to trust God.
This is a good place to be. Never in my life have I felt so conflicted, broken, joyful, sad, and at the same time content. It's strange. I look at this verse that Paul wrote and I never understood it before. I have always had one foot out the door when it came to trust or contentment.
I lived in what if's and if only's based on my feelings. I always had some way of controlling it, which gave me an empty fulfillment, that satisfied me for a moment. Never have I felt such turmoil, but at the same time, had such peace, because I know that God will give me the strength.
Contentment, in other words, is trust. It is faith, admitting you have no idea what the future holds and being absolutely okay with it. It is being thankful, no matter what. It is admitting you cannot do this life alone. It is making those choices, not because we feel like it. I can be content, but at the same time feel like I am in a tangled web of trials.
Take heart, because the trials you face are growing you, changing you and making you into a better person, if you so choose. You will find contentment when you realize it is not a feeling, but a choice. Sure, one can "feel" content, but that feeling will most definitely pass. When it does, don't lose heart. Just trust.
Why PMS might be a more of a struggle for you than for others
How PMS can affect your decisions
When I first got married, there were a lot of instances when my husband was at a loss as to how to handle his new emotional and hormonal wife. The first month of our marriage he told me that PMS was all in my head, but knows now, that was a big no-no and absolutely not true.
He was raised alongside three brothers, and when it came to his mother opening up about her hormonal issues, forget it. I mean, why would she? Up until the last however many years, hormones, periods, and women's emotions were hush-hush. No one talked about them, and in my opinion, a lot has been swept under the rug resulting in a lot of disarray on the matter.
One day, after having a moment of freak out during my special days, I was shocked in how my mind had turned so ugly so fast and wondered if I was capable of actually doing the things I had just thought in my mind. It made me curious as to what percentage of crimes were committed by women during their PMS. I, of course, googled it and read a few articles on the matter.
It was apparently brought up in court during the 80's on whether sentencing could be lowered if a woman committed a crime during PMS. Since doctors couldn't prove that PMS alters our decisions, the case was thrown out, even though there are studies that found there was a higher percentage of crimes committed by women during PMS. Honestly, it makes perfect sense to me and proves even more that PMS can affect us in so many ways, including our decisions.
Emotional vs physical symptoms of PMS and when it's called PMDD
Anger, irritability, depression, anxiety, cramps, headaches, and much much more.
Every woman is different, even when it comes to hormones. Some women suffer more physically during PMS and their period, while others suffer more emotionally. The severity of PMS is determined by how many symptoms you have. If you have 5 or more of these symptoms, it can be likely that you have Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) .
Women who are experiencing PMS, can still function and continue to perform their daily activities, even with their discomfort. Women with PMDD, because experiencing more severe symptoms, are sometimes paralyzed in their mind and body which makes it difficult to perform everyday tasks.
While anger, irritability, anxiety, panic attacks, and thoughts of suicide are a part of the emotional symptoms, there is yet another painful side to PMDD that suddenly and unwillingly rears its ugly head. Depression.
There are many different forms, but the one I am referring to is that only during and having to do with the menstrual cycle. For me, this occurs both at ovulation and a week leading up to my period. Once my menstrual cycle starts, I feel like a different person.
That makes it two weeks out of the month where I feel like myself. Not only do I suffer emotionally, but it affects my sleep (which affects my depression even more), my skin, and worst of all my decisions. I feel as though a tiny evil version of me is sitting in my head, and using her tiny controls to operate my bad decisions and make life seems hopeless.
Due to tracking timelines and keeping a symptom documentation, it's become apparent to me that what I experience is a bit more severe than PMS. In the second trimester of pregnancy, I am quite possibly the happiest person on earth. Most of my problems seemed to dissipate, including my skin, because my hormones changed for the better during this time.
My first and third trimester are a completely different story.
Most of these things are no news to a lot of you. But what don't we know? What if there are broader issues to PMS, PMDD, and depression, and do they possibly coincide? Is there a way to get help from our symptoms?
I wanted to touch on this subject because I have benefitted from being aware of some of these things by research, reading some books on the matter, and some wise advice from a few women. Since we can't control the fact that we menstruate and from that receive wonderful side effects, let's talk about what we can control.
This post contains affiliate links.
What we can't control
Probably one of the hardest years of my life was when we moved to Germany for the second time. The unfortunate menstrual changes during PMS occur because of the rapid rising and lowering of the hormones progesterone and estrogen.
If we have high levels of stress in our lives, these symptoms are made worse due to the release of more cortisol into our bodies. I have witnessed first hand that stress plays a role in making symptoms worse, as the stressful years in my life, have brought out the record-breaking crazy lady days.
We can't control our circumstances, for the most part, nor can we control our PMS or PMDD, if birth control is not an option for you. I tried it, only to find out I do, in fact, transform into Mr. Jeckel.
It made my symptoms so much worse. Some of you don't want to be on birth control, but since it helps you feel less insane, you do it. Same goes for depression medication. You need a solution, so why not?
As I am both for the use of depression medication and birth control when needed, I also don't want to accept the fact that it should be something we have to take for the rest of our lives. So what are the other options? Let's talk about the neurological side of things and how it possibly ties into PMS, PMDD, and depression. So we can't control PMS and its symptoms, neither can we control our circumstances. So what can we control?
One of the best things you can do for your period is switch to Diva Cups! Say no to tampons! Read about it here. Click the image to buy on Amazon for a great price!
What we can control
1. What we eat -The PMS diet and how it can
lessen or eliminate your symptoms
I read a book awhile back talking about natural resources that help lessen the symptoms of PMS and PMDD. It's called Period Repair Manual. One of those factors is our diet. It's important to figure out what your body needs and doesn't need. Keep a diary of what you eat and how it made you feel.
For example, our body doesn't need a twinkie, but it could need natural sugar, like fruit or yogurt. Seems reasonably straightforward, right? She goes a little deeper into it, explaining how certain foods can worsen our symptoms. A very interesting read if you want some advice on what you can do naturally to lessen or even for some women, eliminate your symptoms.
2. We can control our thoughts
There is a neurologist whose name is Dr. Caroline Leaf. She's brilliant and has written a book called Switch on your Brain. I don't agree with everything she says, but she touches on some excellent points.
Our mind/brain and our body are connected; therefore, our thoughts are the starting point of what happens to our body's emotions, ailments, physical well being, which in turn affects our lives. Our thoughts have the power to physically change the makeup of our brains for the better or the worse.
I'm going to quote a good old fashioned verse from the Bible. If you're not a Bible-believing person, that's okay it doesn't matter because this can still apply to you. Philippians 4:8 says,
"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
This is advice from thousands of years ago, and I can only gather that God is trying to protect us in not wanting us to let our thoughts run wild on negativity because science now says it is neither good for us emotionally nor physically. Positive thinking, right? It can heal our brains, physically change them, and heal our bodies. Read the book. It's fascinating.
So, what does this have to do with PMS, PMDD, and depression?
A sage woman once asked me in reply to me sharing how during PMS, I have a hard time controlling anger towards my husband when we fight. She asked, "Are you able to control your anger towards your son or your friends?" I replied, "yes, of course, most times." she responded. "So there is hope. If you can control your anger towards your child and friends, then if you put your mind to it and practice, then you can also control your anger towards your husband."
That was convicting. It occurred to me that I can, in fact, control my emotions, even during PMS. How? By controlling my thoughts. It is SO hard to do during PMS, and I realize for those of you who suffer from PMDD, it seems impossible at the moment. But with practice (mostly during the good weeks,) as you will read in Dr. Leaf's book, we can physically change our brains and begin to heal from the inside out. Cool, huh? Oh and she backs it up with science, so don't worry. I don't think that this is always possible for everyone and every neurological issue. She seems to think differently on that matter. That's okay! We don't all have to agree on everything!!!
Learn more about - How do we begin to control our thoughts?
There is almost always a still small voice in my head when I think of something I shouldn't be thinking that says, "If you go down this thought journey, you will end up going down the rabbit trail into a big ugly mess of insecurity, doubt, depression, and anger. If you choose not to believe that lie, you can go on with your day NOT fighting with your husband." I believe we are continually being fed awful lies, and we always have a choice to believe them or not. Anything that causes you to curl up in fear is most likely a lie, and if you feed that lie, it will fester until your brain and emotions are a rotten mess.
It takes practice, but try it. When that lie comes up, have an escape plan. Think of something positive to replace it with that correlates to that thought that might be pestering you.
'I am fat and ugly' - replace it with something that you know is true about yourself. 'Okay, that's how I feel, but what is true? I am beautiful because...'
'She is prettier than me' - replace it with the truth. 'Wow, she is really pretty. I'm grateful that God creates everyone with some unique form of beauty. Thanks, God, for also creating me beautiful.'
I have my "escape from bad thoughts" plan all written out and taped up in my bathroom (the place I usually go when I'm upset.) It reminds me (when I choose to acknowledge it,) to take action for how I am behaving right now and own up to my side of things.
I used to live in unforgiveness, bitterness, and thinking that I am a worthless piece of nothing, and why should I even bother with the world. It was a dark place, and worse yet, intensified when I was hormonal.
It brought dissension in my marriage, destruction in my heart and mind, and I physically felt like I couldn't get out of bed. I had headaches, backaches, anxiety, loss of appetite, thought of suicide and more. All because I started believing those little lies that turn into BIG LIES.
I believe, but as I said, it's my own opinion, that there were always deeper issues at hand, and during my PMS, those things would intensify and leave me paralyzed with fear. So, what else can we control?
We all have a past that includes good and bad experiences and memories. If you have undealt with baggage, then figure out a way to heal through it. Whether that's forgiving someone, even if they don't deserve it, or having someone to help you work through your wounds. Forgiveness is vital in letting the past go. I know this first hand, and it is one of my hardest struggles and something that has held me back for many years.
Some of us have deep wounds that go beyond what is even in our conscious minds. It could be subconsciously affecting you, although you thought you had gotten over it. Make sure you have made peace with your past and leave the past in the past. It won't help you to dig up those graves to justify your thought patterns. You can read more about healing from your past here.
4. Take responsibility for your actions and who you want to be.
I don't know who you are or how you got to this post, but I do know you're reading it for a reason. I am grateful if in some way it can help you in your journey to learn how to deal with PMS, PMDD, depression, and the issues that go more in-depth.
I believe, when we PMS, the deeper dwelling issues of our heart's come out, and rear their ugly heads in ways we don't like or even want. That's why in dealing with our symptoms, we need to dig deeper and figure out who we are, and why we are the way we are.
For everyone, this looks different. For me, it has helped me immensely to take responsibility for my actions and work on the things I need to change instead of wanting everyone and everything else to change. To take my thoughts captive and not let them run wild on emotion. Just like the serenity prayer. "God, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change and change the things I can."
You have the power to change your own life for the better. It has first to be a choice, and then an action, starting with the opportunity to not believe lies, and to replace those evil thoughts with the good ones.
Try it, and see if you can start changing those hopeless days into days full of joy and peace. It's a long journey which I am still working on, and I can't say it always works. But at least I know I am trying something, rather than doing nothing. Feel free to share your thought below on what you experience with PMS, PMDD, or depression.
We are in this together, and your story could be an encouragement for someone else.